Insomnia

I crawled into bed last night and glanced at the clock: 12:30 AM. Fabulous. Another night of staring at the dark ceiling with the occassional glimpse at the blurry neon numbers on the clock. If I squint, I can sometimes read them.

More and more each day I feel as if I am running on empty. As I roll over onto my side, I start thinking about the past couple of days. They have not been good. I feel like Cullen and I are once again being tested. Game Show Announcer: "Let's see how much stuff can be piled on them before they break!". My mind is racing through my To Do list. I mentally check tasks off and replace them with others...for every one removed, two more are added.

My eyes start to fill again. Thank god Mikayla isn't seeing her Mama cry AGAIN. Cullen is downstairs playing on his Xbox since we will be taking it back soon. He is going to put his motorcycle up for sale and I feel horrible that we have to do that. He is so happy riding his bike and seems so...free.

I hear the stairs squeak and know that Cullen is on his way up to bed. I dry the tears, put on my mask and grab my book. I don't want to add another worry for him: me. After his nightly routine he climbs into bed next to me. I lay my cheek on his chest and ask him to rub my back. I immediately start to relax and fall asleep.

I wake up and am back on my side of the bed. Cullen is out like a light and I go back to my list. I know that it's close to 4:30 AM because it's starting to get a little brighter outside, but the birds aren't singing, yet. I remember the first time I was still up to see the sunrise here. I was looking out the bathroom window and I thought there must have been a full moon because I could distinguish shapes and objects that were outside. About 15 minutes later the birds were awake. It wasn't a full moon, it was just dawn. Something that I am hoping not to see again tonight. I apparently got my wish because the next thing I know, it's 8:30 AM and Mikayla is awake.

Time to start another day running on fumes.

Edited to Add: Reading this post again was a little hard. I can still remember how difficult those times were and I am incredibly grateful to the friends and family that stuck it out with me...especially Cullen. I encourage anyone with the same type of feelings to go talk to someone...soon. It made all the difference in the world to me and once my meds were tweaked right, I felt like the old me again.